Take 2

Yesterday I started to write this long rambly post, and then I got distracted with taking care of Noah and never finished it.  Today I'm feeling a little better about it all.  Basically after over three weeks of triple feedings with Noah (breastfeeding, then bottle with formula, then pumping - which by the way takes about an hour each time and he eats every three hours so yeah not fun math) and almost six full weeks of pumping all day long there was no improvement.  I saw the lactation lady again on Monday and Noah didn't get any more milk from nursing than he had the week before or the week before that.  So we had a little heart to heart.  And then I went home and felt a combination of devastated but also relieved that at least I had some clarity finally.  I'd been praying all week that I'd go in Monday, and it'd be clear whether or not breastfeeding was going to work.  Looks like for this little buddy and me it's not going to work.  So I'm going to try and exclusively pump and see how long that seems feasible.

I feel like every possible feeling went through my head when I thought about not nursing Noah like I had wanted.  I felt relieved that the craziness of triple feeding was over, that I could have a little more time in my day not preoccupied with whether or not he was getting enough food.  I felt guilty that I felt relieved.  I felt guilty that I had been so stressed about the whole thing (which just makes the situation less likely to work).  I felt sad that I was going to miss out on the bonding of nursing.  I realized I hadn't really felt like it was a bonding experience because it had all been so crazy.  I cried thinking about not getting to nurse my baby under a tree in Ireland.  Okay I know ridiculous, but sometimes in the middle of the night when I was wondering if it was all worth it, that's what I'd daydream (night dream?) about.  I felt relieved that feeding him was only going to take five to ten minutes instead of 30 to 40.  Yes I like efficiency.  I felt guilty that I felt relieved.  Basically the whole thing was just a bit ridiculous.  And it's crazy how knowing that something is so good for your baby (that it makes your baby's IQ better, that they are less sick, that they have less allergies and stomach problems, that you should do it for a full year for it to be the most effective) and yet not being able to give it to them messes with your head.  Also I don't like feeling like a quitter.  Even though I know I wasn't really being a quitter.  The lady did tell me though that the most important thing is enjoying the initial months with your baby, so if the whole fiasco makes it to where you can't enjoy your baby it's not worth it.  I feel like already in the last two days I've enjoyed the little man more because I'm not nearly as worried about how feeding is going to go.  

By the way, this is not a plea for "you're being a good mom" comments :).
   
Okay enough on that saga.

Yesterday I went to the gym and had the nice lady in the drop in room watch Noah for an hour while I sweated and listened to Ricky's sermon from Sunday and took a shower and blew dry my hair all without having to worry about a crying baby.  Noah had a blowout in the drop in room and had on different clothes and a different blanket when I went to pick him up :).

Today I walked with Noah for an hour at riverside and spilled my latte everywhere while going over bumpy concrete. Yes I know drinking a latte while exercising is silly.  I had really missed exercising over the past seven weeks.  It helps me get rid of tension and helps me be less anxious.  Plus, it just feels really nice to sweat from something that isn't lugging around the car seat to and from Topeca or Reasors :).

Also, it was 75 degrees out this morning!!!! In July!!!  Lovely, lovely, lovely.

I got Noah and I's passport photos taken this afternoon and the copies of the marriage license came in on Monday.  New passports here we come!!!

Ange had her baby.  Beautiful Audrey.  God is good, all the time.  I think it was just especially poignant when I saw her tiny little head all covered in dark hair just like Bob's.

Noah loves to wiggle and smile and he has this noise that sounds suspiciously like laughing.  It's awesome.

I'm not sure why I did this post like bullet points haha :).