Take 2

Yesterday I started to write this long rambly post, and then I got distracted with taking care of Noah and never finished it.  Today I'm feeling a little better about it all.  Basically after over three weeks of triple feedings with Noah (breastfeeding, then bottle with formula, then pumping - which by the way takes about an hour each time and he eats every three hours so yeah not fun math) and almost six full weeks of pumping all day long there was no improvement.  I saw the lactation lady again on Monday and Noah didn't get any more milk from nursing than he had the week before or the week before that.  So we had a little heart to heart.  And then I went home and felt a combination of devastated but also relieved that at least I had some clarity finally.  I'd been praying all week that I'd go in Monday, and it'd be clear whether or not breastfeeding was going to work.  Looks like for this little buddy and me it's not going to work.  So I'm going to try and exclusively pump and see how long that seems feasible.

I feel like every possible feeling went through my head when I thought about not nursing Noah like I had wanted.  I felt relieved that the craziness of triple feeding was over, that I could have a little more time in my day not preoccupied with whether or not he was getting enough food.  I felt guilty that I felt relieved.  I felt guilty that I had been so stressed about the whole thing (which just makes the situation less likely to work).  I felt sad that I was going to miss out on the bonding of nursing.  I realized I hadn't really felt like it was a bonding experience because it had all been so crazy.  I cried thinking about not getting to nurse my baby under a tree in Ireland.  Okay I know ridiculous, but sometimes in the middle of the night when I was wondering if it was all worth it, that's what I'd daydream (night dream?) about.  I felt relieved that feeding him was only going to take five to ten minutes instead of 30 to 40.  Yes I like efficiency.  I felt guilty that I felt relieved.  Basically the whole thing was just a bit ridiculous.  And it's crazy how knowing that something is so good for your baby (that it makes your baby's IQ better, that they are less sick, that they have less allergies and stomach problems, that you should do it for a full year for it to be the most effective) and yet not being able to give it to them messes with your head.  Also I don't like feeling like a quitter.  Even though I know I wasn't really being a quitter.  The lady did tell me though that the most important thing is enjoying the initial months with your baby, so if the whole fiasco makes it to where you can't enjoy your baby it's not worth it.  I feel like already in the last two days I've enjoyed the little man more because I'm not nearly as worried about how feeding is going to go.  

By the way, this is not a plea for "you're being a good mom" comments :).
   
Okay enough on that saga.

Yesterday I went to the gym and had the nice lady in the drop in room watch Noah for an hour while I sweated and listened to Ricky's sermon from Sunday and took a shower and blew dry my hair all without having to worry about a crying baby.  Noah had a blowout in the drop in room and had on different clothes and a different blanket when I went to pick him up :).

Today I walked with Noah for an hour at riverside and spilled my latte everywhere while going over bumpy concrete. Yes I know drinking a latte while exercising is silly.  I had really missed exercising over the past seven weeks.  It helps me get rid of tension and helps me be less anxious.  Plus, it just feels really nice to sweat from something that isn't lugging around the car seat to and from Topeca or Reasors :).

Also, it was 75 degrees out this morning!!!! In July!!!  Lovely, lovely, lovely.

I got Noah and I's passport photos taken this afternoon and the copies of the marriage license came in on Monday.  New passports here we come!!!

Ange had her baby.  Beautiful Audrey.  God is good, all the time.  I think it was just especially poignant when I saw her tiny little head all covered in dark hair just like Bob's.

Noah loves to wiggle and smile and he has this noise that sounds suspiciously like laughing.  It's awesome.

I'm not sure why I did this post like bullet points haha :).

Random

Do you ever have those moments when you pray something totally random?  Like you barely even realize you're doing it and then feel a little silly?  Okay maybe it's just me but I had one of those moments yesterday.  I was headed to topeca for some caffeine and to get out of the house for a few minutes and I realized I had no change for the parking meters.  Like all I could find after scrounging around for five minutes was one dime and a bunch of pennies.  So I was trying to figure out if I should put a $1 charge on my card or just risk it and maybe get a ticket or if I should go to the ATM and get some money or just skip the coffee.  I had this fleeting prayer go through my mind, God please let there be money still on this meter.

So I got out of my car with my credit card just in case and got Noah out of the car and the meter maid was there.  So much for risking it.  But then she said oh don't worry about walking down to the meter, it's out of order.  You're good.

Seriously?  My odd prayer was answered :).  I got coffee, I didn't have to pay for parking, and I got to talk to people other than Noah in silly short phrases like look I'm eating a strawberry and now I'm washing dishes and oh look you're smiling even though I'm saying man I really wish you'd sleep longer at night I'm getting sort of annoyed . . .

Although actually last night he slept almost five hours straight.  And then I fed him for five minutes, gave him his nookie, and he slept another hour.  Maybe this sleep training thing is going to work . . .

Full Disclosure

Sometimes I try to do too many things at once.  I think my job at Cimarex was a convenient excuse for me to let this part of my personality run wild.  Okay I'm not trying to excuse it, I'm just saying multitasking like crazy and squeezing a million things into a short amount of time has it's perks when you're an engineer with deadlines that include finishing all your work while simultaneously keeping a pretty powerpoint ready at all times in case the execs show up and want to see your progress on a moments notice, okay a two hour leer jet ride from Denver notice.

Anyway last week I tried to do too many things at once.  Combined with not much sleep this didn't make for the prettiest of pictures.  I'm still weaning Noah off formula supplements, which means I'm still pumping when I can.  I think it's almost over, but it's been slow going.  I can definitely see progress but my goodness he'll be six weeks tomorrow and this has been quite the ordeal.  We decided to start sleep training Noah a few days ago.  Which means we let him cry for 15 minutes in the middle of the night to try and get him to learn to self soothe.  And not wake up every night at 3:00 am.  I also thought oh he's finally 8 lbs let's try cloth diapers.  Oh and did I mention I can't really nap in the middle of the day?  So yes by Saturday I was run pretty ragged.  Good thing Spencer has figured out when what I probably need is just a solid chunk of sleep.

So he's taking over the midnight feedings for now.  At least till we've weaned Noah off the 3 am feedings.

And we all three took a nap in our bed on Saturday.  (Noah slept in the carrier on Spencer's chest haha).

And cloth diapers are on hold for now.  It was too much.  Even though they really were pretty easy for the day and a half we used them.  I've decided once I'm officially not pumping (except for date nights and random afternoons I need a break) I'll go back to the cloth diapers, till then I'm trying to cut myself some slack.

Also, this morning I tried to get stamps to mail thank you letters.  The post office automated thing was out of order.  Go figure.  So if you are waiting on a thank you card, you'll be waiting longer ;).

Adapting

This pace of life is interesting. Everything broken down into three hour chunks (on a good day - not a day like today, a day when I'm not trying to wean Noah off bottles and I'm trying to guess if he's waking up from his naps hungry after only 45 minutes or so of sleeping or just because he heard some noise and really he would go back to sleep).  I think we're going to figure it out.  I'm figuring out how to break things down into short tasks, so I don't feel too overwhelmed if I have to stop in the middle of something to go check on Noah.  Half done projects really bug me.  Especially if they mean the kitchen table is covered in stuff!  

Now if I could just figure out how to not be walking around on eggshells when he's sleeping constantly wondering if my free time is almost up . . .  oh the joys of parenting :). Scratch that, if I could nap while he's napping that would be even more amazing.  Too bad I have never been a napper.  My brain thinks of all the things I'd rather be doing with the daylight!

My backyard is looking so colorful right now.  I finally prewashed all my cloth diapers this afternoon.  The directions say to prewash them three to five times.  I think that's a bit ridiculous.  Noah is just about big enough to fit in them!  He'll still look pretty ridiculous in them I think, but they say 8 lbs and up on the packaging and I'm down to my last pack of diapers that friends gave us pre baby, so I figure this is as good a time as ever to give it a go!  

Plus I mean look they are just so cute :)

I gave Noah a bath this afternoon and he smells so good.  Which is probably good because he's being a little whiny today and he was hungry at 1:30 am and 4:30 am last night after a string of nights where he only got up once in the middle of the night. 

Also, he rolled over this morning.  I know he's a genius baby.  I knew it.  

:)

Waking Up

Well I feel like what everyone said would happen is starting to happen.  I feel like I'm coming out of the new baby daze.  There were definite times during the last five weeks when I thought I was not going to survive (yes I know so dramatic, it's amazing what your sleep deprived and oddly hormonal brain will convince you of).  But now I feel a little like my old self again.  I'm wanting to make to do lists again (even if they are only one thing per day like today I'm paying bills, tomorrow I'm going to the bank, day after that maybe a grocery store run).  Spencer and I are both feeling a little antsy and like maybe we would like to re-enter society.  Now we just have to figure out how to do that in three hour chunks . . . either that or we might be having alot of people over for dinner while Noah sleeps in the back room. So if you want to have a dinner night or a game night at our house let us know!!

Noah is also waking up from the newborn stage.  So far it doesn't look like he's going to take that long of naps during the day, but that's okay considering he's now able to sit in his reclining chair basinet thing and just flail his arms around and make funny noises and faces while he "watches" me eat breakfast and get ready for the day.  It's pretty fun to just sit him in his queen of sheba  chair (okay inside family joke) and have him be cute while I'm also able to actually do something other than hold him and look at him and hope he doesn't start crying for some unidentifiable reason!  He is also sleeping one five to six hour chunk at night!!! Which is AMAZING.  Although now I need my body to let me sleep that long. I've been waking up a few hours into the five hour stretch convinced I already fed him and feel asleep while doing it and that he's in the bed with us even though I never feed him in the bed!!  Weird how your mind works.

Look at the little cutie!!  Oh also he's SMILING!!!  I'm starting to see how this could be rewarding ;).

P.S.  Noah had his frenulum clipped (translation: his tongue was attached too closely to the front of his mouth which was making it hard for him to get good suction while breast feeding).  We are really, really hoping and praying this will make everything easier.  And that I'll be able to stop using bottles and my pump and formula unless I just really need a break or a night away.

P.P.S We got a chess set.  Well "Noah" got one for Spencer for father's day.  We'll see how long before it causes marital issues . . . 

P.P.P.S  I love driving my mom car.  It is so awesome and makes everything a little less stressful.

P.P.P.P.S  Family and community are awesome.  So many people have made me feel loved.  And even though my little control freak self really doesn't like admitting I need help, it's been really, really nice to be taken care of for the last month. So thanks for dealing with my tired, sleep deprived, only recently not an engineer full time self.

Milestones

I turned 27 yesterday.

Spencer and I have been married five years as of this afternoon.

Noah will be one month old as of 9:25 pm tonight.

It's a bit much to process for this tired brain, but I know I am extremely blessed.  I have a wonderful, loving husband who also likes being Noah's dad and who reminds me that no one else could be better suited to be Noah's mom even though I get tired and discouraged.  I have many, many happy memories from the first five years of marriage.  It hasn't always been easy but I feel like I can honestly say it's just getting better and better.  We understand each other better and better.  It gets easier and easier to love each other without always second guessing everything.  Plus I mean we are just no longer 21 and 22 and that does wonders for enjoying married life ;).  Little Noah will definitely be a new challenge for us to work through (on? that makes him sound like a project . . .) in our marriage, but I think it will also make both of us more patient, more flexible, more loving and hopefully more creative.  It's going to take some creativity to figure out how to still have quality time and conversations together with the little munchkin along for the ride now!  But, like my mom and sister were reminding me today while I bemoaned feeling stuck between wanting a break from being Noah's mom and then feeling guilty while enjoying being away from him, it's important that I still enjoy being me in the midst of also loving Noah.  It's important that Spencer and I still nurture our marriage and it's a good thing for us to let our friends and family love us by watching Noah so we can recoop!  Good thing not all our friends and siblings have their own posses of kids yet haha!  However I would never say no to cousins or some neighborhood friends for our little guy ;). NO PRESSURE.  

He is pretty cute.  Even if he is crazy squirmy!  So much for a cute sleeping picture for his one month shot.  The lactation consultant who I saw yesterday said man this little guy has a temper after watching Noah throw a fit when he didn't get to eat immediately when he woke up from his nap hungry and I just laughed and said it's only fair.  His mom has one too ;).  And also she's ornery and doesn't like to sit still pretty much ever, so I'm pretty sure an active little guy is just what I should have expected.  Now if we could just get him to like sleep as much as much as his parents!!  Maybe that will be the month two goal ;).

Here's to month 2 of Noah's life.  And year six of marriage.  And year 28 of life.  It's going to be interesting but I'm pretty sure I'll look back and think, wow that was one amazing year.

Also, I'm now trying to convince my parents and siblings they should also come to Ireland.  Thanksgiving 2013 in Ireland! And no mom it's not pretentious to tell people you're going to Ireland for Thanksgiving.  I mean they don't even have Thanksgiving there, so no biggie.  Now I'm dreaming of fish and chips and Guinness instead of turkey and mashed potatoes.  And also of six people who could watch Noah for a night if we needed a date night haha.

Just For Fun

Well I'm on day three of pumping every two hours.  Well except for the midnight feeding which Spencer takes, so I can get at least one four hour chunk of sleep.  Enough on that though.  It doesn't really help to think about it all day long, so instead I've been trying to enjoy the little guy when he's awake and enjoy the time to organize the house and to drink lots of topeca lattes while he's zonked out. Which actually now that he's getting enough food every time we feed him, he's a pretty good sleeper!   Also, I've been enjoying lots of time hanging out with all the people that offer to come over and hold him while I pump if he's decide to not be asleep when I need him to be ;).  I've had lots of good talks in the last few days.  Granted they are a little disjointed, but still lots of catching up on conversations with people I've missed!

Here's some fun we've been having:

First real bath!  His cord fell off pretty fast but then he also had to heal from the circumcision (poor little guy!) but everything is all good to go now so we are on to real baths!  Obviously he thought it was awesome.  Oh wait maybe it was just us watching him squirm that was awesome :).

For the record, real bath number two was much more calm and he seemed to be enjoying it - until we got baby soap in his eyes haha.  You get better at this parenting thing right? :)

First trip to topeca!  Haha yeah right, that was like on day two, or whatever day I was capable of moving from the couch to the car and from the car to the counter at topeca and back again.  I've pretty much been every day still.  I guess the bad habit of buying 4 dollar lattes every day is going to have to wait to be broken until after I'm back to sleeping more than three hours at a time!  He doesn't  seem to mind being there :).  And plus the baristas all think he is the most awesome thing ever and keep telling me over and over how much cuter he is than most newborns.  Even if they are just being nice it makes my day :).  Oh yes, and my awesome hair is compliments of Rachael.  I swear for four days straight she just held and fed Noah and did my hair over and over while we watched Project Runway and talked.  It was amazing.

Tummy time!  Plus latte of course.  For the record the two seconds before this he was happy as could be and then he tried to move and realized his head was too heavy.  Enter the face he's making below.  I know being a baby is such hard work!!

And last but not least, we've been spending plenty of time getting licked by Blitzy.  On the toes, on the arm, on the top of the head and yes at least once on the face.  It was bound to happen sometime right?!

Also, family and friends are awesome.  I've been so blessed by all the people that have stopped by to help or just to talk or brought us food or sent me texts saying they were praying for my milk (lovely that now my body is a topic of prayers haha) or called me just to check in or gone to lunch with me and dealt with my scatterbrainedness or my bailing last minute because I couldn't get Noah fed and myself pumped and out the door in a reasonable amount of time.  I've felt really loved.  I also feel like I have no idea where the last four weeks have gone.  Really?!! He'll be a month on Thursday.

Also, we'll have been married five years on Thursday.  Which I've decided that trumps Noah being a month old.  I mean I like him and I'm sure I'll take a cute pinterest inspired one month picture of him, but being married to Spencer five years?!! That takes the icing on the cake.  Or whatever that saying is. Like I said, thanks for dealing with my brain not working that well.

Also, The Happiest Baby on the Block is a pretty good book.  If you are in a crunch just skip to the appendices and read the top ten pieces of advice for parents.  It really helped me feel less crazy.  Here's some excerpts just for fun :)

"If you're a person who enjoyed being organized, on time, and having a spotless house, this new flexibility may require practice - and deep breathing.  But you may as well take it all with a sense of humor because the time has come when your milk will gush down the front of your favorite blouse and when your little darling will empty her diaper on your white sofa!  If you can throw away your to do list for a few months.  Accept that the clock on the wall has been temporarily transformed from a time management tool to a decoration."

And my favorite paragraph considering I've been feeling like everyone else likes Noah more than I do.  I know, I know I'm the one who's feeding him and changing his diaper and not sleeping, but still everyone else oohs and aws and I think you sure are cute but man you are a lot of work!!

"Another expectation that may not immediately materialize is loving your baby the moment you see her.  of course, many parents do fall instantly in love with their new infant; however one of the little told truths about becoming a parent is that many new moms and dads don't feel smitten right away.  It makes sense that falling in love might take a little time.  After all, few of us experience love at first sight.  Don't worry like the song says, 'You can't hurry love.'"

And on that note, time to heat up a bottle.  I've figured out if I can preemptively have the bottle ready when the three hour nap time is up everything goes so much smoother.  No trying to open the bottle, pour in formula, heat it up and bounce a screaming baby all at one time.  I'm learning!! :)