Mulling Things Over

Well.  It's 2014.

I've been trying to figure out what New Year's resolutions I want to have for 2014.  I feel like my brain goes into overdrive when I try and think about what I want to accomplish, and then I get overwhelmed by my own limitations and the fact that there are only so many hours in a day.  Add to that the fact that now we have sweet little Noah in our lives who, go figure, sometimes has his own agenda.

So here's what I have so far:

- Run a 10k.  Maybe . . . maybe a half marathon.  The 10k is on the books, so if you're looking for something to do the morning of February 15th you should probably come hold Noah and cheer while we run ;).  Rach made us a sweet training schedule to stay motivated - complete with an ab and squat challenge!!  One week down, six weeks to go.

- Eat more veggies.  So far my mom got me a sweet gourmet veggie cookbook, and I used an amazon gift card from the grandparents to get a second, a little less complicated, veggie cookbook.  Hopefully those will motivate me to try things other than roasting and sauteing with olive oil and salt.

- Help Noah love learning and love the outdoors.  This is a little vague I know, but I just love seeing his face light up when he accomplishes something new and I don't want to get too bogged down with things like laundry or dishes or picking up his toys to stop and help him learn something new.

- Take Noah to Ireland.  Hike. See the green hills for myself.  Journal under a tree.

- Figure out if I want to be a stay at home mom or a working mom.  Whew.

Beyond that I have all kinds of half way formed things in my head.  Things about being more generally healthy, less sitting on the couch, more taking hikes and walks and bike rides and picnics.  Less soda. More water.  Less time on facebook aimlessly scrolling.  Less time getting distracted by my phone when I'm with actual people trying to have a conversation.  Give away more money.  Spend more money on healthy food, less money on random crap food.  Spend more time praying, less time on pinterest.  Spend more time actually planning to accomplish goals rather than just bemoaning the fact I haven't gotten there yet.

And then I stop in the middle of this ridiculous list and feel super anxious about whether or not I can actually do all these things.  I start feeling guilty about the time I waste or about the food I eat or about how I spent too much at Whole Foods or about the time I texted a friend instead of watching Noah crawl or eat his peas and pears while at the same time trying to grin at me.  He has the best grins.

And then I think wait.  Maybe I should just make my 2014 resolution to spend more time being still.  Spend more time reminding myself that Jesus already loves me.  Even if I'm distracted, even if I feel pulled in a million directions.  Even if I feel like I may never be able to think clearly again.  Even if I feel like every conversation will forever be interrupted by Noah needing something.  Even if I drink too much caffeine and give myself anxiety.  Even if I am a crazy list maker.  He loves me.  His grace is sufficient so I don't have to be sufficient.  I don't have to be the perfect wife and mom who works 15 hours part time while also having a kid decked out all in baby gap that was all on sale and also makes healthy meals every night and also runs 5 miles a day while looking good in lululemon and also drinks only water and also has the house spotless (and looking like restoration hardware on a budget) and also reads about revitalizing the city in her spare time and invites neighbors over for meals twice a week and cooks with vegetables from her organic garden and doesn't spend too much money on groceries and never splurges at anthropologie but still manages to look cute every day and also has energy to ask Spencer about his day and encourage him about a godly work ethic and give him space to work on house projects when he needs to unwind and plans cute stay at home date nights and never gets overwhelmed by a crying baby.  And I wonder why I feel anxious.

Maybe I should add lower my expectations for myself to my resolutions list.